I'm Fing The Vicomte!
by bbst
Summary: Parody of "I'm F***ing Matt Damon" Erik thinks that Christine is keeping a secret from him. She tells him about it in a very special way.


**Disclaimer: I don't own anything...which is probably a good thing.**

**A/N: Yes, yes, I know I'm horrible for writing this, but I heard the song and I couldn't resist. Besides, poor Erik is so fun to torture! I do love him, though. :) And yes, I should probably be working on "A Brother's Love" right now, but I'll do it later.**

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Erik was beginning to think that his beloved Christine was hiding something from him.

Of course, all young girls have their little secrets, but Christine always seemed so honest. Why, she couldn't even tell the smallest lies! Like that time when her friend Adele got a very horrendous perm in her hair and asked Christine if it looked alright. The poor angel blushed furiously and had to look down before muttering a small "yes". Oh, the poor, pure girl!

But lately, she seemed to be doing a lot of that around him. She would avoid his gaze, not focus on their lessons, and would make excuses to leave early. When he asked her why, she merely said she had to visit her foster mother, Mama Valerius, or she was simply having, ahem, "woman troubles". Of course, he would let her go, but not without some hesitation. He had warned her not to continue her relationship with that accursed boy, and she had assured him that she no longer saw him. And until now, he had no reason not to believe her.

He eventually confronted her about it. She had been singing a lovely rendition of "Le Roi de Thule" when he suddenly stopped her.

"Is something wrong, Erik? Did I hit another sour note?" she asked in her sweet, innocent voice.

He hesitated a moment. What if his suspicions were unfounded? He didn't want to falsely accuse his angel of deceiving him. But he just had to ask. "Christine, dear, I've noticed that you haven't quite been yourself lately."

She had the gall to look confused. "What do you mean?"

He was beginning to get angry. "What do you mean, 'what do I mean'? I don't recall that in the past you ever avoided me, talking to me, or even looking me in the eye! You're hiding something from me aren't you, you wicked girl? I demand you tell me now!" he yelled.

Apparently, he had struck a nerve, for Christine stood from her chair with an indignant air around her and grabbed her cloak. "I think I should take my leave now," she said coldly. "I'm not sure that I can sing under these conditions." She closed the door behind her with a bang.

He was immediately contrite. "Christine! Please, come back!" he called in a pleading voice, but she was already long gone. Oh, his temper had gotten the better of him again! Now his darling was angry with him! What is she didn't come back? What if she realized what a true monster he was? Oh, he would die without her!

He slowly made his way back down his lair. It may not have been the best place to go, what with all the pictures of her and her belongings scattered everywhere, but he could think of nothing else to do. For once, he wasn't in the mood to compose. So he went to his cellar and grabbed a bottle of ripe wine. He only planned on drinking a glass or two, but before he knew it, he had drunk two thirds of the bottle. He soon fell asleep, the name of his love on his lips.

He didn't know what time he woke up, but he had a feeling it was late in the day. After looking at his clock, he realized that it was nearly five o' clock in the afternoon. He had slept half of the day away! And he still need to think of a way to apologize to Christine.

"Hm, perhaps a new symphony? Chocolates? A pretty new dress?" he guessed.

Out of the corner of his eye, he noticed a letter on the table next to him. He gasped when he saw who it wrote it. It was from Christine! But what could she have to say to him? He picked it up and read the short message.

_Dear Erik,_

_I'm ashamed to say that you were right about me keeping something from you. Come to Box Five at five thirty this afternoon and I shall reveal my secret to you._

_Sincerely, Christine_

So she _was _keeping something from him, the little vixen! But since she was going to come clean about it, it surely couldn't be that bad. Right? He hurriedly made his way up to his favorite box. He didn't worry about being seen because rehearsals were over with for the day. He didn't see Christine inside the box, so he took a seat and decided to wait for her. But to his surprise, he saw her standing on the stage, strumming a guitar. Hm, she never told him she could play one! But he forgot all about that when he saw who was beside her. Vicomte Raoul de Chagny! That damned boy! Why was he here? She promised him that she wouldn't see the noble anymore.

He used his ventriloquist skills to whisper in her ear from the box. "I'm here, Christine."

She smiled and started to play a tune on the guitar. "Hey, Erik!," she said. "It's me. I'm on, ahh, on stage...I don't know, I've been working here so long...I don't even know what day it is, to be honest. Anyway, I've been thinking about you a lot, and ahh, I've been needing to tell you something. I don't know why I haven't, but it's important. I mean, we've known each other for a while now, and I still haven't told you and it's just not right, so here it goes." She started to play faster.

"I'm fucking the vicomte!" she sang.

Erik felt his heart stop. Did...did she honestly just sat what he thought she said?

"She's fucking the vicomte!" Raoul sang, as if to confirm his thoughts.

Christine continued. "I'm sorry but it's true! I'm fucking the vicomte!"

"She's fucking the vicomte!" the wretched boy sang again with a wide smile.

"And I'm not imagining it's you!" she added, as if to solely insult him. "I'm fucking the vicomte!"

Raoul started to do a small dance and sang again. "On the couch, on the stage, on a towel by the trap door, in your boat, in the carriage, up against the statue on the roof!"

Good Lord, they had defiled his opera house!

"I'm fucking the vicomte!"

"She's fucking the vicomte!"

"While your drinking your Tokay wine!" She held up a bottle for emphasis. "I said I'm fucking the vicomte!"

"She said she's fucking the vicomte!"

The boy held his hands up to her bosom. "Hey Phantom, how do you like them apples? Get it? Cause' I'm talking about her breasts!"

Christine gave him an odd look. "Yeah...it's...it's funny...Hey, Erik, don't take it bad. Remember all the good times we had! Like that time we were sitting in the boat and I flecked a speck of dust off your sleeve. And then you passed out from happiness and the boat toppled over..."

Suddenly, the chorus members came out from behind the curtain and joined in the song.

"Knock, knock!" all the girls sang with Christine.

"Who's that knocking at my door?" the boys sang with Raoul.

Oh, what on earth were they doing now?

"Imefa!"

"Imefa who?"

"I'm fucking the vicomte!"

"She's fucking the vicomte!"

Did everybody know about this besides him?

"Analyze!" Christine cried.

They all began to sing together. "F-U-C-K the V-I-C-O-M-T-E! I said F-U-C-K the V-I-C-O-M-T-E!"

The chorus then left the stage.

"And you know I ain't lying!" Christine continued. "I said I'm fucking the vicomte!"

"She's fucking the vicomte!"

"Ask the reporter from L'Epoque!'

A small, round man came onto the stage. "It's true, L'Epoque has confirmed that she is in fact fucking the vicomte!" he held up a newspaper with that as the headline.

"Remember last week when I was playing chess with you through the mirror? I was fucking the vicomte!"

Raoul sang again. "Remember when you went back and forth between scaring the ballet rats and pranking Carlotta? She was definitely fucking the vicomte!"

"Remember when I told you I was fucking the vicomte? I WAS fucking the vicomte!"

He was honestly afraid to look at this point.

"On the couch, on the stage, on a towel by the trap door, in your boat, in the carriage, up against the statue on the roof!"

"She's fucking the vicomte!"

"She's fucking the vicomte!"

"She's fucking the vicomte!"

"I love Paris!" Christine finished. She took a few deep breaths before speaking again. "So that's it...umm. I think I was clear?

Raoul put his hand on her shoulder. "No, you did great," he reassured her.

"Ooh, it was okay," she laughed. "Maybe I should have practiced more."

"It was pretty damn good," Raoul said with another smile.

"Umm, anyway, you know, we had a great run Erik and, ahh, I hope, there's no hard feelings," Christine said. "I hope we can still be friends. I'm friends with all my old teachers. If anything isn't clear or you need closure of some kind, please talk to Meg. She's great at comforting people. And you still have that doll of me, so there's that."

"You know what?" Raoul said. "Stop right there. Sorry, Phantom, we're out of time."

Christine swatted his arm. "You are so bad!" she giggled.

"A little bit," he replied. "Let's put that guitar down and go fuck the vicomte some more...Au revoir, Phantom." With that, they both ran off the stage and into the setting sun.

Erik just sat there for a long, long time, trying to process what he had just heard.

"It's a good thing I have my own wine cellar."

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**A/N: I'm...I'm not really sure what to say about this. Just please don't kill me...**

**Review!**


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